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Earlier this year, I was hanging out with a good friend and our toddlers. Having met through work nearly a decade ago, our friendship has evolved alongside our careers and romantic relationships.<\/p>\n
We\u2019ve also had the good fortune to become parents around the same time \u2013 something I never thought mattered before having a baby. Having children at a similar time has only deepened our bond. As any mum will tell you, having someone to text late at night when you\u2019re in the throes of sleep deprivation and your baby won\u2019t go down for hours is a godsend.<\/p>\n
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Becoming a parent can reveal a lot about ourselves and those around us.<\/span>Credit: <\/span>iStock<\/cite><\/p>\n This particular day we were hanging out was very relaxed. We were taking turns to entertain both our children, and at one point, I was playing with hers and an accident happened. Her child ended up hurt and, due to our own histories and experiences with health issues, pregnancy loss and upbringing, our judgement of the severity of the incident was different.<\/p>\n We both reacted accordingly. And as it turns out, our reactions were on opposite sides of the spectrum.<\/p>\n The whole episode left us both confused and hurt. It caused an unexpected rift. Having since had time to consider what happened and our very different responses to the event, I\u2019ve been thinking about parenting styles and the influences that shape us when we become parents.<\/p>\n \u201cWe think we know somebody, until we start parenting,\u201d says Jayne Ferguson, a clinician and centre manager at Relationships Australia Victoria. \u201cIt\u2019s around that time a lot of our own traumas and behaviours are triggered, and this can affect friendships significantly.\u201d<\/p>\n Before I had a baby, I thought I knew what kind of parent I\u2019d be. Having practised on my cat (who I still cannot bear to have out of my sight) for years and been held at the mercy of anxiety for two decades, I assumed that my \u201cparenting style\u201d would be intense.<\/p>\n To my (and my partner\u2019s, friends\u2019 and family\u2019s) great surprise, I\u2019m the opposite kind of parent. My almost two-year-old daughter is a tiny scrap of a thing, with a sweet temperament, healthy constitution and a tendency to be cautious.<\/p>\n As a result \u2013 knock on wood here \u2013 we haven\u2019t yet been faced with emergency hospital runs or any serious health problems, a surprise considering the circumstances of her birth (she was in NICU due to being born in the 1st percentile).<\/p>\n Now, I have wholeheartedly embraced the mantra of laissez faire<\/em> parenting, perhaps as a direct response to my own kind, but rather strict, upbringing.<\/p>\n The daughter of migrants, I was not allowed to go to sleepovers of friends who weren\u2019t family friends. Despite an unblemished high school record and fairly responsible teenage behaviour, my parents felt uncomfortable sending me to schoolies (just a small house on the Victorian coast with a group of female friends), which I saw as unnecessarily strict and intrusive, especially as I was 18 at the time.<\/p>\n Their strictness has resulted in an unexpected twist: a wholehearted belief that I should not interfere too much in my child\u2019s actions, and to take the rather relaxed approach of \u201cshe\u2019ll be right\u201d if something does go wrong. Looking back, this approach was the source of the recent friction between my friend and me.<\/p>\n \u201cWe don\u2019t understand our own values and perspectives behind parenting until we\u2019re actually doing it.\u201d<\/p>\n She \u2013 who had grown up in similar circumstances to mine \u2013 carries the weight of multiple miscarriages, and becomes distressed when she perceives any hurt befalling her child (or any child, really). Having experienced tragedy has primed her to be extra cautious \u2013 something I didn\u2019t quite understand until that day.<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s really important to recognise there are many different and widely varying parenting styles, and that what you do as a parent depends on what you\u2019ve experienced yourself, what your partner \u2013 if there is one \u2013 experienced, and what you have rejected in your own life,\u201d says Jayashri Kulkarni, professor of psychiatry at Alfred Health and Monash University.<\/p>\n \u201cAdd to that media influences, and the opinions of grandparents, extended family and friends, and it can leave all of us confused.\u201d<\/p>\n As any parent will know, the act of parenting is a minefield, laden with our own childhood experiences, external and internal judgments and reactions to them. Everyone has their own ideas of what constitutes being a good mother or father, and the reasons behind these are complex.<\/p>\n Ferguson says that, besides being one of the most significant changes to happen to us, having children can be that catalyst for behaviour and responses we never imagined in ourselves.<\/p>\n \u201cWe don\u2019t understand our own values and perspectives behind parenting until we\u2019re actually doing it. And when we are challenged, we\u2019re drawn to think about where we come from,\u201d she says. \u201cIn many ways, we see being a parent as a way of redoing our own childhood. It\u2019s almost like nature gives us a second chance to fix things for our own child.\u201d<\/p>\n These \u201cunspoken concerns\u201d, which we often don\u2019t even know we have, can arise in stressful situations, spilling over and impacting relationships not just with friends but also with family and other loved ones, Kulkrani says.<\/p>\n The trick to overcoming drastically different responses to child raising is communication, both experts agree.<\/p>\n \u201cAs long as lines of communications are kept open, and there\u2019s honest expression without being hurtful, people can get past vastly different parenting approaches,\u201d Kulkarni says.<\/p>\n Ferguson adds: \u201cPeople get reluctant to talk honestly because they think they\u2019re having a go at their friend, but it\u2019s actually about having an open discussion and being open to self-reflection.\u201d<\/p>\n This type of conflict also calls into question the investment we want to make in our friendships, and whether we are willing to persevere despite the differences.<\/p>\n \u201cThe children aren\u2019t going anywhere \u2013 maybe it\u2019s time to assess whether this friendship should continue without the children at this stage,\u201d Ferguson says. \u201cIt can also be the case that there\u2019s a distance for a period and after that, you come back together.\u201d<\/p>\n As with most complex issues, there is no right answer. Ferguson warns some friendships may never recover, while others will remain changed.<\/p>\n \u201cIntuition about what your child needs is critical, and so is self-reflection about how you parent,\u201d she says. \u201cParenting is a learning and sharing experience, and it\u2019s important to not assume anything about how other people do things.\u201d<\/p>\n Thankfully, my friend and I have been able to get to a place where we are talking regularly. I wrote this article with her input and permission: it\u2019s not only been part of the process of our recovery, but an issue we both wanted to raise more widely.<\/p>\n After all, our kids aren\u2019t going anywhere \u2013 and I don\u2019t think we are, either.<\/p>\n Make the most of your health, relationships, fitness and nutrition with our<\/i><\/b> Live Well newsletter<\/i><\/b>. <\/i><\/b>Get it in your inbox every Monday<\/i><\/b>.<\/i><\/b><\/p>\nWhy we parent the way we do<\/h3>\n
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