Royal Wedding Sex Positions For Meghan and Harry Now Exist And It's Too Much, Even For Us

Today, a day before the year’s most anticipated nuptials, British tabloid The Sun published a series of royal wedding-themed sex positions entitled “The Royal Bedding.” The story features such positions as ‘Silver Spoon’ and ‘Corgi Style,’ to name a few. What a way to celebrate the marriage of Meghan Markle and Prince Harry, who I’m sure are thrilled by the tribute!

As Mark Di Stefano pointed out on Twitter, the two models look “loosely” enough like Harry and Meghan to be cringey on several levels. Also the American flag bikini and Union Jack shorts really lend a weird beach vibe to this whole spread that makes me more uncomfortable than I’d expect.

Hasn’t Meghan had enough? Can’t we have nice things? Can The Sun stay in their lane and leave the sex positions to us? Let’s take a closer look at some of these positions now:

‘The Double Duchess’ is a crabwalk-like position that is allegedly “easy enough to manage after a busy day waving” but I for one, have some questions. Wouldn’t a position so dependent on arm strength actually be exhausting after a busy day of waving? I don’t think I could even support my own body weight on my arms after a relaxed day, letalone supporting my own body weight and controlling my own thrusting.

If you thought that was bad, check out the description for ‘V for Victory’:

This position requires the woman to lay on her back with her legs up in a ‘V’ while her partner kneels in front of her. This is all well and good, but read the description The Sun has for this position:

“Angle” “of” “his” “dangle”

Finally, there’s the ‘On the Throne’ which is a position where the woman basically sits on her partner’s lap. Again, their description is what really sells it:

Okay, fine. TBH “crown and sceptre” is an amazing phallic euphemism so I can’t even be mad. Maybe I’m just salty that we didn’t come up with these first. Alas, we’ll always have the Markle Sparkle.

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