More from: Kyle Smith
When you go on a date with someone, there are a lot of unknowns. Will you have chemistry? Will you actually like them? And, of course, what are their intentions? While you can’t exactly read their minds, people usually tip their hand pretty early about if they are looking to really get to know you or if your date is only interested in sex. If you’re into that, or share their intentions, fantastic. But if, on the other hand, you are hoping it will lead to something more serious, then it’s important to be able to pick up on their subtle — and not so subtle — signs that they want this date to lead to one place only (in as near a future as possible): The bedroom. The same holds true if you’re only looking to hook up, because it’s good to know when you’re on the same page.
To help spot the signs, I reached out the experts for their advice on what behaviors you’ll notice in someone you’re on a date with that tell you their goal is just sex. So, yes next time you’re out with someone and you’re not totally sure what their intentions on, here is how the experts say you’ll know.
1They don’t really listen when you talk.
When you’re talking to your date, Diana Dorell, intuitive dating coach and author of The Dating Mirror: Trust Again, Love Again, tells Elite Daily to pay attention to the quality of the conversation, particularly how much effort they are making to get to know and how willing they are to go beyond just surface-level small talk. “[If[ they are half-listening to what you say and may try to interrupt you by touching you or changing the subject, especially if the conversation veers into more emotionally vulnerable territory,” then Dorell says this is a sign that they are not interested in anything beyond sex.
NYC relationship expert and love coach Susan Winter seconds that, adding a lack of patience whenever you start speaking another sign. “Your date has little patience for conversation. When you try to initiate a meaningful conversation, your partner becomes antsy and distracted,” that’s a red flag she tells Elite Daily.
There is an except to this, says Dorell: They could also try and control the conversation. “If it’s just about sex for them, they may want to control the conversation and ask you super personal questions to get you to open up and feel comfortable but will veer away from themselves having to reveal anything other than surface-level things,” says Dorell.
2They talk about sex constantly.
It’s not just about what your date won’t talk about, it’s also what they have to say. If they only want to talk about sex, Dorell says that’s because that’s what’s on their agenda. “They talk about sex constantly and may send you constant texts throughout the day asking for naughty pictures or recounting anything physical you’ve already done,” she explains. “It can be flattering to be told things like ‘you are so sexy and I really want you right now’ when it doesn’t happen as the main subject of your conversations but if it is, you have to wonder-why don’t they want to go beyond sex? They don’t!”
Andrea Amour, founder and dating coach at UpDate Coaching, agrees. “[Telling you about their] ‘sexcapades’ or a crazy orgy stories don’t scream future husband or wife material, so if someone is storytelling about kinky stuff, it’s probably a good sign they don’t see you as ‘future’ material’ [either],” Amour tells Elite Daily.
3They invite you to their place for your first date.
Is their idea of a date just going to their place? If so, Dorell says you should consider that a red flag that they are just interested in hooking up, particularly if “they ask you to come to their place for dates and seem put off when you decline.”
“When someone is not just interested in sex, they will go at the pace that you feel comfortable with, especially if it’s slower than their own when it comes to anything physical,” explains Dorell. “They will usually take you places away from your home because they are looking to get to know you and put some effort in. If all your dates are more like ‘hang out at my house’ invitations, that indicates someone who is comfortable putting in minimal effort to get to know you and making things as convenient for them as possible, usually to get you into bed!”
Amour adds that, if you’re ready to hook up, this is a sign that you’re both on the same page. “If you’re hoping for a future date, it’s safer just to hold off,” she cautions.
4They touch you — a lot.
One of the ways that your date will communicate that they just want sex is that they will touch you a lot, warns Amour. “Physical body language is a great way to tell your date you’re ready for a kiss — sitting next to someone, touching their arm [or] hand, or holding eye contact all suggest you want to progress physically. When someone’s doing a lot of these, plus touching more intimate body parts like your legs or your face, it suggests your date is looking for something more sooner rather than later,” she explains.
5They’ve told you they don’t "do" relationships.
The clearest sign, however, is that they’ve told you they just want sex. They may not just come out and say it plainly, but Winter says if “they’ve told you they don’t do relationships,” that means they don’t do relationships. While it may not have been what you wanted to hear at the time, Winter says this is the time to listen, “because they were telling you the truth.” It may be tempting to just ignore it, but Winter says you need to resist that urge. “Far too often we assume we can convert a player into relationship material ‘if they get to know us,’” she says. But if they tell you from the start that this isn’t going to be a relationship, believe them.
What to do if your date just wants sex.
If your date is showing any (or all) of these signs, it’s time to decide what it is that you want. “If they’re not ‘future’ material and you want to have a fun night (or few), then go for it,” says Amour. “Sometimes, it’s worth spending 30 seconds establishing ground rules (‘I’m just looking for something casual’) to set your minds totally at ease. That way, you can focus on the fun, not on what the other person is thinking.”
However, if you are really interested in the person, Dorell says direct communication is best. “Say something like, ‘I’m really flattered that you are attracted to me. I’m also attracted to you (if it’s true) but it’s important to me that we get to know each other a bit more before we get intimate. I understand if you can’t wait but if you do want to continue seeing each other, I need to slow things down and table sex for now’,” she suggests. “If [they were] just really really unaware and excited by you, they will most likely apologize and back off, letting you set the pace. If they insist, set that person free as they are saying that they are comfortable violating your boundaries.”
Ultimately, it just comes down to pursuing what you want — and then being honest about it, both with yourself and your date. “If you find you’re in a relationship that doesn’t work for you, speak up,” concludes Winter. And part of being empowered is being able to recognize where the other person is coming from. By doing that, you’ll have taken back control over deciding what happens next. I guess that’s why they say knowledge is power!
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